You know it’s true love. Even after so many years, you still think about him every day. Even after you’ve been sent to the psychologist and he’s done all he can to help you forget. Even after you’ve been retired from duty because of it. After a while, though, it doesn’t paralyze you quite so much anymore, and you open the windows again and maybe take a walk outside. And you’d be awfully pale... that is, if you were a human. You’re awfully pale anyway, but that’s actually normal.
For some reason, you’ve been placed in an urban area, on land with nary a river in sight. It seems almost as if you’re dreaming - it would be nice, actually, for it all to have been a dream. You’re not used to the streets, open to the sky above, or the... cars, were they? Yes, cars, making noise everywhere.
Today, you’re on your now-daily walk, staring into the sky with all those clouds that Ciri always loved. It’s not fair, you say to yourself, that you get to see them and she never will.
“Hey, hallo there!”
Is someone addressing you? You turn around slowly, not recognizing the human with trim white hair.
“Sorry to bother you, miss, but is that the T.O.A. colors I see under your jacket?”
You realize you’re wearing your uniform. Maybe you put it on out of habit, maybe you’ve been wearing it all this time... who knows and who cares? “...Ah...yes, this is from the Academy.” Feeling suddenly self-conscious, you shrink into yourself a little.
“What year were you?” You assume he means to ask what year you graduated, so you answer with that. From his excited response, you gather that he was a year ahead of you - one year older than you.
Next, you exchange names. His is Kerrin... yours is Emendi.
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It’s been a while since then - you stopped counting at four months and thirteen days. Kerrin was your first real friend here, but he certainly hasn’t been the last. You’ve discovered quite a few more ex-T.O.A. cadets - Yena and Wansa of a water-dwelling kind, Tari and Setel two married humans - but none you knew before. That fact is rather unsettling.
“Kerrin,” you begin in an offhand manner. You’re at his house along with one of his old Academy friends, who has taken over the television and is watching some show you don’t particularly care for. Haven or something, who cares.
“Yeah?” he rejoins, sipping from a mug of coffee. Kerrin always has coffee ready, it seems, for when someone comes over.
When you stay silent for a moment, he begins to say something more, but then you finally speak. “Did you ever... have someone special? Someone... that you loved?”
“Oh, no no no Emmie. Haven’t found her yet... but I can wait.”
“Oh.”
“But, you know, even if I never find anyone who’s specially meant to be mine, I have all of you, and those are who I can share.”
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You eventually become accustomed to Kerrin’s quirks, his odd way of speaking, and his readiness to abandon his schedule at a moment’s notice. More than that, you enjoy his company. The old heartache is nearly gone, though the memories remain.
“Kerrin,” you would say for the thousandth time or something very close to that, “Kerrin, let’s be friends.” And you’d both laugh, because you know you’re already friends - and have been friends for what now seems like forever. That’s how you end your arguments, too, now. With that simple phrase, “let’s be friends”.
It seems like the darkness is finally, permanently banished from your life. You could end the story here, and it would be perfectly okay. We’d all assume it was another of those happily-ever-afters. But you’re not going to stop now.
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You’re once more in Kerrin’s house, the ever-present coffee smell in the air. You’ve just arrived, and he’s excitedly jabbering about someone he wants you to meet. An intelligent girl, he says, who’s quite interested in meteorology. He ushers you into the warm living room, where a young-looking brunette is seated on the couch. “Ciri, this is Emendi. Emendi, Ciri.”
“But...” you stutter, bewildered. “But you can’t be Ciri! Ciri’s dead!”
“Emendi.” The girl speaks as if to a child. “Emendi, that’s only what the Academy wants you to believe.”
“But... but...” If Ciri’s alive, then couldn’t he be alive, too? And if the Academy lied about that, then... why?
Kerrin, sensing your confusion, puts his arm around your shoulder to comfort you. Inexplicably, you feel a strong urge to snap at him, something like “Don’t hug me!” But you know to control yourself, and the urge is soon gone.
“Emendi, honey,” Ciri attempts to reassure you, “I came here for that very reason. Some of us who have been declared lost aren’t, and we’re going to make sure we find out why.”
“Mero!” you exclaim. “Where is he?”
She keeps up her optimism. “I don’t know yet, but I... well, I’m sure we’ll find him. Or find out what happened to him.”
That last sentence was less than necessary. You’re struggling to hold back tears, all the pain and loss and memories surfacing at once - you don’t need to be reminded right now of how unlikely your hope is. It’s been years since the incident, the chances he actually survived are infinitesimal, you repeat to yourself. Eventually, you can’t or won’t or just simply don’t hold back the tears anymore, and Kerrin willingly provides a shoulder to cry on.
“Hey,” he begins after a while, “maybe we ought to sleep over this and talk it over tomorrow.”
Ciri nods and claims the couch as her bed for the night. Kerrin gives you the guest bed, which is always ready just in case anyone needs it, and takes his usual bed. You’ve never spent the night at Kerrin’s before, but somehow it feels just like home.